Soldier boychik: Disenchanted Chasid turns to the military

And here's the English version.

http://www.jta.org/news/article/2012/02/26/3091847/soldier-boychik-disenchanted-chasid-turns-to-the-military

A "Heimishe" Yid in the American Military

Here's an article the Forward did on me.

http://yiddish.forward.com/node/4183

PTSD? Hah! Been There, Done That. Thanks Yeshivah.

Dear Diary;

Today I talked to a friend, who's being discharged from the Army for having PTSD. While I wouldn't fathom equating my life experiences with with his, I couldn't help noticing how familiar some of  the symptoms sounded. Obviously PTSD is in the news a lot these days, and especially being in the Military, I'm very aware of it, but I never thought about it in relation to myself, until I discussed it with my buddy.

After speaking to this buddy, I looked up the symptoms of PTSD, and what do you know - out of 17 symptoms, I have about 10 of them. What the hell?! I'm not depressed, I'm not traumatized, what's going on?

The first symptom that jumped out at me was " Feeling jumpy and easily startled", I hadn't really thought about it, but I flinch at the slightest hint of what could be a possible physical threat towards me. When I say "possible threat", I'm talking about gestures that most people wouldn't even notice or would ignore, for example high-fives, back-slaps, and the like.

Beyond that though there was, "feeling of intense distress when reminded of the trauma", "feeling detached from others and emotionally numb", and "hyper-vigilance". Plus a few others that I recognized in myself. 

I guess now would as good a time as any to back up and explain what "trauma" it is that I'm talking about, I'm talking about Yeshiva. More specifically a certain Yeshivah.

Shortly after I turned thirteen, my Parents sent me to a "sleep-away" Yeshivah located in my home town. By the afternoon of the first day I was calling home in tears, begging my Mother to come get me. In trying to describe the physical, and emotional abuse that went on there, I'm doing the place a disservice. Beatings were so normal a sight, they were completely ignored by other students, Rebbeim bragged about how much they intimidated us, and kids walked around with bruises, welts, and all sorts of marks.

Besides the physical abuse there was the mental pressure put on us, every second of the day was controlled, starting with the wake up at the crack of dawn, to the fifteen minutes we had to run to the Mikvah, haul ass back and be seated at our spot, and heaven help you if you were seconds late, all the way to laying down on the left side and waking on the right. Not tolerated were: Laughing, talking about anything aside from what we were studying, contact with the outside world, no food or snacks outside of the three meals served to us (fifteen minutes a meal with no talking), no personal books, or tape players, and on and on. 

And the rules! There where rules on everything, from our hair-cuts, to how many showers we could take a week, and what kind of soap we could use, to what kind of underwear we wore. Violation of any of these rules resulted in a beating, if you failed a test you were promptly beaten, if you were caught dosing off in middle of the day you were beaten, pretty much anything was cause for a good beating.

Now when I say beating, I'm not referring to a little slap or even a backhand to the head, I'm talking about all out UFC style - anything goes straight up beat-downs. Fists, elbows, sticks, and anything handy were all fair game. I've seen coffee jars used as weapons, heads slammed through drywall, chairs and trash cans thrown, all in one session.

The truth is I couldn't possibly portray an accurate picture of the place within the narrow confines of this blog, I could go on for days, and still not do it justice, I have enough individual instances to fill a book, but just suffice it to say that we lived in constant terror. Yet on the other hand we grew immune to the beatings, it got to the point where we bragged about how badly we got hit that day, I even remember thinking to myself one day, that today was the first time an entire day has gone by without being hit once. That day was one and a half years into my time there.

Over the years since then, I've thought about what the thought process was behind their tactics, and I've yet to come up with anything concrete. I'm sure somewhere deep inside, these people thought they were doing the right thing, on the other hand, there is no doubt in my mind that at least some of them got off on beating these defenseless kids, in fact some of them positively relished it.

Before I go on I must clarify that I was not by any means what's known as a "problem child", I wasn't a trouble maker or anything like that. On the other hand I was not a Masmid either, I was an above average student in subjects that interested me, but just average when not, and the same could be said for the majority of the rest of the kids in that Yeshivah.

I attended the Yeshivah for two and a half years, at first I begged my Parents to take me out of there, I showed them bruises and marks, all over my body, but it was a dead end. My Parents being the naive BTs that they were, believed that anyone with the title Rebbe, Rosh Yeshiva, or Menahel (Principal), could do no wrong. No matter what I said to them, the answer was the same, "He's a Rosh Yeshivah, he must know what he's doing". Eventually I gave up, and stopped trying to convince my Parents to remove me from the Yeshivah.

After I left the Yeshivah, I made a conscious effort to forget and get over my experiences there, and to a large extent I was successful. I moved on, for the most part blocking the whole thing out of my head, but certain things wouldn't go away. To this day I never sit with back to the room, I avoid talking about the whole experience, and when I do I get physically ill, (as I type this, I'm sweating, my heart is pounding, and my hands are shaking).

One good thing that came of the whole experience was, that when I went to basic training, the Drill Sergeants couldn't intimidate me the way they did all the other trainees. I remember thinking as they were yelling in my face " Is that all you got? I've dealt with a lot worse, bet you won't hit me".

So I guess by the book I have PTSD, what does it mean to me? Nothing really, I don't walk around thinking about that Yeshivah all day, it had no impact on my life aside from the aforementioned symptoms, and luckily I don't have the more serious (in my opinion) symptoms like depression and the like. So thanks a lot Moshe Lazer Blum, Shimon Goldbrenner, and a few others whose names I can't remember, I guess I'm a better person for it. (I contemplated putting addresses and phone numbers, but I decided not to.)

P.S. I'd like to reiterate, that in no way do I want to imply that my seismic lifestyle change, was caused by, or connected to any feelings of resentment, toward my parents or teachers. It was mostly an intellectual decision.

Of convert's and BT's

I always wondered what it is that Ba'alei Teshuvah (BT's) see, that I don't see. What do all those people cutting their pony tails off, and putting on Kipa's for Amnon Yitzchak hear that was so convincing? I'd listen to hours and hours of tapes, read books, and talk to countless people, but all I got was fluff, I remember thinking - "he wouldn't get me with that".

My favorite example is when I asked a close relative who became a BT at 18, what was it that made him leave his home and change his entire life, seemingly giving up a promising future, his answer was - "I watched The Fiddler on the Roof". That's it?! I was shocked! Here's a smart guy, who could have gone to college, and gone on to be anything he wanted. Instead he went to Yeshiva, got married, and became one of the many shlubs just barely making a living, and looking like they just immigrated from 1800's Europe, and all that because he watched a corny movie? (my retort to that was "I watched Big Love, and it didn't make me want to become a Mormon")

Another person I know, was on his way to becoming a Catholic priest, and (the story goes) the night before he was to graduate from seminary and be confirmed as a priest, he climbed out the window, ran to a Yeshiva and never looked back.

I have a little theory going, and I've recently discovered some others agreeing with it. I think the big Ba'al Teshuvah movement (makes me think of "bowel movement", but that's just cruel) of the sixty's and seventy's, was fueled by drugs and the counter culture of the time. People ran off to Ohr Someach in Jerusalem, for the same reason others ran to Ashrams in India, or hippie communes in San Fransisco. It was more about (the illusion of) the Shabbos table, or the tight-nit community, than a "seeing of the light", or a serious debate about belief.

Before they know it, it's thirty years later and they have a family, an entire life built, and whether they still feel the way they did years earlier or not, their stuck. Now they have to justify their actions to themselves and to others, so they bash the "outside world", mock science and lie to themselves. I'm sure some of them are sincere and believe in what they're doing, they've taken the bait hook, line and sinker, but many of them know better, they just don't see a way out.

There have been instances of BT's going back to their old lives, even with entire families, but those stories are and few in between, Why? Because as I can attest, it's not easy to uproot your family and make a huge life altering change like that, especially when the kids are old enough to understand what's going on.

Speaking of BT's, I would like to add my own take on Chabad and their Kiruv work. I have no problem with Mitzvah Tanks, or Tefillin Stations, but in my [humble] opinion, where Chabad went wrong was, first of all they went Rebbe-crazy. Everything is about the Rebbe, the Rebbe this, the Rebbe that, it's all about the Rebbe instead of about God and Judaism, in fact they worship him so much it's hard to distinguish between Meshichistim and Christians.

Secondly, instead of bringing their new recruits up to their level, they lowered their own standards in order to better suit the modern society they are trying to reach out to. The result was, instead of Lubavitch becoming a huge Chassidik group on par with Satmar, or Gur, they separated themselves from the mainstream Chassidim and became their own quasi religion. I've said this before to Lubabs and they get very defensive, but it's true, their standards, in Tznius for example, are not even in the same league as those of mainstream Chassidism. Much like Democrats, who strive to make everybody equally poor - unlike Republicans who want to make every body equally rich - (neither are unsuccessful), they've lowered themselves to the level of the people they were supposed to be raising up. But enough about that.

That's my theory, what do you think?