When Hobbies Attack: Testing 1,2,3

Yesterday was a beautiful day in New York City, so I decided to head down to the Union Square Greenmarket to buy some fresh locally-grown herbs since I enjoy nothing more than preparing lavish meals in the chef's kitchen of my loft apartment.  Leashing up Lassie, I picked up some heirloom tomatoes and some cilantro.  On the way back home, the sidewalk was a bit crowded, but fortunately the city has recently installed these big wide "auxiliary sidewalks" just for people like me:

(Lassie and me on the way home from the Greenmarket, as photographed by one of those two-wheeled menaces.)

Sockless and happy, I bounded along in my loafers, savoring all that extra elbow room.  Unfortunately, these entitled cyclists seem to think the "auxiliary sidewalks" are "bike lanes," just because they have pictures of bicycles painted on them and have big signs that say "bike lane" right next to them at every corner.  Still, I refuse to cede an inch.  Instead, I just keep walking and stare the cyclists down from behind my Ray-Bans, and then vent my frustration by leaving angry comments on cycling-related articles in the New York Times.



Speaking of New York City cyclists and their inflated sense of self-importance, the fallout from "Fondogate" continues, and mere days after a 45-year-old amateur was caught cheating at Fred riding the local racing club is now implementing a real-live drug testing program:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE




Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team helps CRCA fund new testing program. Call for others to help fight doping too.



New York City, NY (FPRC), July 25th , 2012 – Following the news of positive drug tests at the 2012 Gran Fondo New York, the Champion System p/b Stan’s NoTubes cycling team has pledged a $5,000 donation to the CRCA with the stipulation that the money be used to fund a testing program.



 “The cost of testing is very expensive, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for inaction. We would like to see testing at CRCA events and we’re ready to help fund this,” said managing director Igor Volshteyn. “While we are disappointed by the recent news, we believe the stark reality highlighted by these positive tests is exactly what we need to finally mobilize our community and take firm and decisive action against doping together… something we frankly should have done a long time ago.”





New York City's amateur bike racers have long been on the forefront of taking themselves seriously and so this is the logical next step.  Sure, testing a bunch of hobbyists for performance-enhancing drugs is a lot like calling the IRS to audit your Monopoly games, but when you've already got the equipment and the uniforms and the coaching programs and the high-definition finish line camera for the race where you win a turkey and you've upgraded every single component it's possible to upgrade then buying yourself a comprehensive drug testing program is really all that's left.  In any case, to my knowledge this is the furthest any amateur racing club has inserted its helmet up its own posterior, which puts them deep in uncharted "waters"--though it should all be worth it when the person who places third in the "B" race tests positive for THC.



Of course, if you don't want to join a bicycle riding club that requires you to pee-pee in a cup and notify them when you leave town for vacation, you can always take part in rides like the "Bicycle Blitz Through Staten Island"--which I'd never even heard from until I received an email that it had been cancelled due to exhaustion:

SORRY GANG. We just dont have the energy to pull this one off. Stay tuned for the next free tour coming up in august - the Bike the Boro Border Bike Ride! 



Not enough energy, huh?  They really ought to try performance-enhancing drugs.



But while it's one thing to make light of doping amateurs, there are other aspects of cycling that deserve more serious treatment, and to underscore that seriousness I ask that you please listen to the theme song from the 1983 film "Terms of Endearment:"








Damn that Flap, he didn't know what he had until it was gone!



Anyway, the serious cycling subject I'm referring to is the bicycle cycling road cycling bicycle race of the Games of the XXX Olympiad:

("Wiggins Rings," or "Wigg-Os," hand-designed by You-Know-Who.)

Now, I don't believe in policing the comments section of this blog.  However, yesterday I couldn't help noticing some disrespectful references to the parcours, such as this one:





McFly said...




Has anyone taken a glance at the Olympic Route Map? They go through a place called Bushy Park, Dorking, and Box Hill. I predict very high attrition in that race. Major abandonment.




July 25, 2012 1:23 PM





Firstly, off-color sexual references are an affront to the spirit of the Olympic Games, which began over 2,000 years ago when a bunch of muscular Greek men decided to run around naked together.  Secondly, it is wrong to mock the host nation and laugh at its culture, even if their ways are quaint and backwards and seems incredibly silly to us.  The fact is that English culture is dozens of years older than our own, and to laugh at their place names is to reveal your ignorance.  So let's take a little tour around the race route and set a few things straight:

1) "Box Hill" is not British slang for the female mons pubis;

2) "Leatherhead" is not a cruising spot for men who are into "rough trade;"

3) "Headley Heath" has nothing to do with Heath Ledger's character "Brokeback Mountain;"

4) "Dorking" is a place, not a verb, and the "Dorking cockerel" is not in any way lewd.  All it is is a statue of a big, fat cock:

Most importantly, please refrain from making throat-clearing sounds when the announcers refer to the feed zone in Bushy Park, or from laughing when Fofonov "gets off" in Woking to "answer the call of nature."



"XXX Olympiad" indeed.



Anyway, if we keep all of these things in mind, we may just be able to keep a straight face until the very last rider  crosses the line in Vaginae or wherever it is they finish.  After all, nobody's more dignified than the British, which is why Bradley Wiggins only issues forth tasteful Tweets like this:

Even in 2012, it's good to see that cycling remains a wanking working man's sport.

Make Way: The Future's So Green I Gotta Wear Rollerblades

Commuting in a big city can be stressful.  For example, a New York City cyclist might, in the heat of the moment, resort to foul language and complain that his progress is being impeded by some "fat tub of shit from New Jersey."  Well, one might argue that such anger is excessive--regardless of whether or not it is indeed an accurate description of a typical driver from west of the Hudson.  But what happens when that cyclist is quite literally being blocked by a fat tub of shit from New Jersey?

This was the case for me this morning as I traveled along a "protected" bike lane in Manhattan:

I apologize for the foul language, but if you can come up with a better way to describe this vehicle I'd like to hear it.



Speaking of being full of shit, yesterday I mentioned the 45-year-old Fred who got busted for doping at the New York Gran Fondo and who, hilariously, rides for a team organized by a website that is pathologically obsessed with the prosecution of Lance Armstrong.  Well, further to that post, a reader had the following to say:



Anonymous said...

http://www.thefreemanonline.org/features/the-common-sense-of-progress/




"If today in the United States or western Europe the relatively poor can have a car or a refriger­ator, an airplane trip or a radio, at the cost of a reasonable part of their income, this was made possible because in the past others with larger incomes were able to spend on what was then a luxury. The path of advance is greatly eased by the fact that it has been trodden before. It is because scouts have found the goal that the road can be built for the less lucky or less energetic. What to­day may seem extravagance or even waste, because it is enjoyed by the few and even undreamed of by the masses, is payment for the experimentation with a style of living that will eventually be available to many."




tl;dr




...unless those rich amateurs keep on buying those carbon race wheels, *we* (the ordinary plebs) won't be able to buy them for $100, 20 years down the line. FACT.



An interesting point to be sure, but progress?  I'm not sure it's fair to compare home refrigeration becoming available to the masses with crabon fiber race wheels getting blown out by Nashbar.  It seems to me that the difference between having refrigeration and not having it is life-changing, whereas the difference between having wheels made out of metal and wheels made out of plastic is negligible.  (Not to mention the fact that the plastic wheel is arguably inferior to the metal wheel for most riders, even amateur racers.  Have you watched one of them try to stop lately?)  Plus, it's the "ordinary plebs" who are buying the crabon wheels now, right alongside the monied masters, so there's no reason for the manufacturers to bring the price down anyway.  That's why crabon bicycles are more expensive than ever despite having been around for decades.  It's also why the bicycle racing marketplace doesn't follow the ordinary laws of economics, and instead remains a bubble of delusion and stupidity.



Also on the subject of doping, yesterday I made the following inane comment on Twitter, because I am an inane person, and because Twitter, to paraphrase George Mallory, is just "there," waiting to have stupid words put into it:

I assumed it was obvious that I was joking, but one member of the Twitteroni was filled with indignation:

Which naturally inspired me to continue flogging a joke that really wasn't even funny in the first place:

Which in turn only made the Twitterono even more indignant:

I actually think anybody who supports any Kickstarter campaign should feel outraged and betrayed, but despite this I actually began to think about the fake question I had posed.  Let's say I were to launch a Kickstarter campaign for my cross-country bicycle tour, in which I'd cycle from New York City to Los Angeles while wearing a chicken suit in order to raise awareness for salmonella poisoning.  Would it indeed be wrong to resort to performance-enhancing drugs in order to complete my ride?  It's not like I'm breaking any rules, since as far as I know there are no rules when it comes to riding across country in a chicken suit.  Sure, it lacks dignity, but arguably I dispensed with dignity when I started asking for money on Kickstarter--and I definitely divested myself of it when I donned that chicken suit.  So what's a little EPO in the mix?  It's certainly less dangerous than salmonella.



Anyway, as I pondered all this, the Twitteroni had a moment of sympathy for me and my phony predicament:

So there you have it.  It is actually possible to finish a century ride without drugs.  Who would have imagined?  Let that be a lesson to all the 40+ fondo Freds out there looking to wring all they can from their crabon wheels.  (Though reading it again it's possible she means she finished two centuries and one triathlon back-to-back on the same day, which is actually pretty impressive, especially without drugs.)



Speaking of Kickstarter, some people desperately need your money so they can show movies outside:

The word "visionary" gets thrown around so much that it's now almost completely devoid of meaning, which is why I feel comfortable calling these people visionaries.  Here's their vision:

Last summer, we did some pretty simple math that ended up spawning (in our personal opinion) one of the most fun and memorable days of the summer. Written out, the equation looked something like this: 

Summer + Bikes + 80’s Movie Nostalgia = A damn fine summer evening.  

In July 2011 we teamed up with the Brooklyn-based food blog and supper club Forking Tasty for a unique, modern twist on the classic American Drive-In experience: the Bike-In-Theater. Hundreds of riders sat and watched a movie on the Brooklyn waterfront, while munching on snacks from the Forking Tasty kitchen, including five unique gourmet-flavored popcorns. The free event was designed as a way to celebrate summer and bike month in NYC. 

In 2012 we’re expanding on the success and demand created last year. With the help of the Kickstarter community, we’re attempting a bi-coastal tour that will start this summer in NYC and end in October in San Francisco. Please help us launch the 2012 Bike-In-Theater tour. It’s your passion, enthusiasm and backing that will help us to make this reality.

And here's the video:

I'm not sure it's fair to call showing a bunch of movies that are on cable 14 times a day "curating," but then again the word "curate" has been even more diluted than the word "visionary" so I shouldn't complain.  Also, there were cookies:

("Curating" now means "putting snacks in metal tubs for stoners.")

So why do they need $24,000 to show movies on a brick wall?  Well, in addition to cookie funds, they also need money for chalk:

Also, according to this guy, they need "proper rights for movies:"

Which would make the organizers of "Bike-In-Theater" the only two people on the face of the planet Earth who take those anti-piracy warnings seriously.  Really, they could save us all a lot of money if they'd just screen some bootlegs they bought on the subway.  Anyway, Brooklyn becomes more like San Francisco every year, so it's good to see two entrepreneurs working hard to make them completely indistinguishable.  



In other smugness news, are you one of those people who advocates cycling because it's "good for the environment?"  Well, I've always felt this was a dangerous argument, since it leaves the door wide open for some other more ecologically friendly modes of transport to take away all our hard-fought gains.  For example, I don't know about you, but I don't want to get sandbagged by a bunch of Rollerbladers:

The above Rollerblade advocacy article was forwarded to me by a reader, and of course it includes the requisite pro-Rollerblade infographic:

Sure, Rollerblading may be "greener," but as far as I'm concerned this is the only infographic I need:

That's the Rollerblade equivalent of "cycle chic."

Chapeau! And the Eating of Same

Obviously the big story in cycling this past weekend was that Stanley Wiggins won the Tour de France:

(Congratulations Stan!)

The image of the headline above was forwarded to me by a reader, and while its tempting to attribute it to the systematic marginalization of cycling by the American media, the truth is that it's nothing quite so insidious.  No, all it really means is that the people at Yahoo are morons, which they confirmed when they also ran the following article that I stumbled upon this morning:

So what's number two on Yahoo's list of the best "hipster jobs?"  Why, it's becoming a paralegal, of course:

(Paralegal is the Stanley Wiggins of hipster careers.)

Presumably paralegal just edged out dental hygienist, which the crack editorial team at Yahoo must have decided wasn't quite trendy enough.

In any case, between Stanley Wiggins winning the Tour de France and his countryman Mike Cavendish taking the final stage on the Champs-Élysées, it's clear that Great Britain is now basking in a golden age of cycling.  In fact, there are those who have even speculated that the UK will now experience a cycling boom similar to the "Lance Amrstrong effect" we saw over here in Canada's noseless saddle during his seven-year winning streak.  (Though if they do I'd hate to spoil it for them but things go a little bit pear-shaped afterwards.)  At the very least, Wiggins has certainly proven the naysayers wrong, since before the Tour started stupid Internet pundits who know nothing about cycling were writing stuff like this:

The hopes of an entire nation rest on those sideburns, and it will be sad to watch those hopes slowly sink like a bunch of kittens adrift on a pond in a boat made from construction paper.  Of course, if he does win, I'll gladly travel to the UK and publicly eat my hat, but only because that's still vastly preferable to partaking in British cuisine.

Of course, that stupid Internet pundit was me.  Fortunately though I always wear underpants for a hat, and thus plan to exploit a loophole by wearing these:

Now all I need is for someone to send me a first-class ticket to Heathrow and I'll gladly make good on my promise, though I might have a hard time clearing customs with a pair of meat briefs on my head.

Needless to say, I was also wrong when I tipped Dmitriy Fofonov as the overall winner, though he did finish solidly in 63rd place:

And well ahead of his closest rival in the coveted surname-that-sounds-like-wanking competition:

Incidentally, the Tour de France organization may revise the leader's jersey for that competition, since the subtle wadded-up tissue graphic makes it difficult to distinguish from the maillot blanc for the best young rider.

And as for speculation that there is still some residual resentment between Wiggins and his teammate Chris Froome, this photo which was forwarded to me by a reader should put that to rest once and for all:

("Hey guys, get a (F)room(e).")

Speaking of gratuitous crotch references, way back in 2009 the clothing company Outlier sent me a pair of shorts, which I duly tested by going to the beach and pouring Snapple on them:

Well, after three years of occasional use (of the shorts, not my crotch) I emerged from the briny deep this past weekend only to find that a portal had developed dangerously close to my "pants yabbies:"

Shortly after noticing this I became aware of the sound of women laughing:

At first I worried that I might have inadvertently exposed myself to them (no, I was not wearing underpants, jerky or otherwise), but after examining the shorts closer I was satisfied that I had not and that the women were in fact just laughing at my general appearance.  By the way, as you may be aware, Outlier is a clothing company geared towards trendy urbanites who lead active lifesyles:

(The last sound this young man heard before falling to his death was a tearing sound from the crotch of his $175 shorts.)

Now, I don't consider myself a trendy urbanite.  Then again, let's not forget that according to Yahoo this guy is a hipster, so perhaps I should re-evaluate myself:

I also don't consider myself especially active.  I mean, sure, I ride a bike, but so does a Dutch grandmother.  Plus, if I'm riding with any sort of urgency I'm generally doing it while wearing special stretchy pants like any self-deluding Fred.  Otherwise I'm just sort of putzing around, as I was on the day that these shorts developed an unexpected peephole.   And yes, three years is a pretty long time, but I also didn't wear the shorts that often, so I'm not sure what this says about the cost-effectiveness of buying fancy shorts--though one reasonable conclusion would be that I should just bring them down the street to the dry cleaner, have the seam fixed for $5, and shut up about it already.

Also, in fairness to Outlier, the pants they sent me are still intact--though I have no idea how the pair I gave to my former intern, Spencer, are holding up, since after scoring a $200 pair of pants and a Walmart fixie he pretty much disappeared.

Anyway, undaunted by my brush with indecent exposure, I returned to the beach the next day with my family in tow and carried all our supplies including chairs and umbrellas by means of a Big Dummy:

We received many comments from bemused onlookers along the way, which annoyed me since we've never received any comments for hauling lots of crap to the beach in a car.  Then again, I've also never felt compelled to post a picture of a carload of crap on the Internet, whereas here I am simultaneously posting a picture of my bike just because it has some stuff strapped to it and then complaining that people noticed it.  Such is the paradoxical nature of smugness.

Also, my "pants yabbies" were showing the whole time, so that could have been the source of at least some of the pointing and laughing.

Speaking of pointing and laughing, another reader forwarded me the following image:

Evidently, it comes from a site called "TriathlonHumor.com," which seems superfluous since all triathlon is inherently humorous.  Consider this video:

I'm sure you'll agree that bike looks fast even standing still--as it will most of the time on the roof of your luxury automobile:

Sure you may suck, but at least all that wind tunnel testing translates directly to fuel cost savings, and you'll amortize the cost of the bike after only 17 years of driving to "training rides."

Of course, the real point of the video is to demonstrate yet another hydration system:

Judging from the sheer number of these drinking contraptions, it would appear that the drive to invent a hydration system that actually allows a triathlete to imbibe without crashing is as compelling as the quest for the perpetual motion machine--and it's no less quixotic.  As for this particular attempt, I'm still not sure how it works, though it seems to collect and save the riders' urine for future consumption:

Between the time saved drinking and the time saved relieving yourself, you're sure to reach your "personal best."

Lastly, when it comes to people who have trouble doing two things at once, Friday's quiz included this video of a cyclist receiving an unjustified ticket, and I'd be amazed if the officer in it could actually talk and scratch his "pants yabbies" at the same time:

A number of viewers have also commented on his resemblance to Sloth from the cinema classic "The Goonies:"

I'm not going to comment on that.  I'm simply going to "put it out there"--kind of like a pair of shorts with a hole in the crotch.