13 Tips for a More Meaningful Maternity Leave

As my maternity leave for baby number two is coming to an end, I wish to share my new found knowledge of how to have a good, meaningful maternity leave for any other working moms out there.

1. Take the full leave. I don't know what your job does or doesn't offer for maternity benefits, but the FMLA guarantees you twelve weeks of leave. Yes it's unpaid. Find a way to take the full twelve weeks, no matter how much it hurts your budget. Your baby deserves it. You can always make more money. You can never nurture your newborn baby again.



2. Lower Your Expectations. I always think I'll get a ton of crafting, home improvement projects, and gardening done. I think I'll read a ton of novels and even write one. Heck, I even think I'll make my bed every day. Never happens. Realistic expectations include getting dressed almost every day, showering four times a week, and taking out the trash once in awhile. And that's okay. Maternity leave isn't about you having three months off to do whatever you want - that would be summer vacation. See tip #13.




3. Get Amazon Prime. If you're living under a rock and don't know what this is, it is a membership program with Amazon.com. It costs $79 a year. You get free two-day shipping on eligible items and streaming videos and even free popular Kindle books. I live in a farming town 30 minutes away from Wal-Mart and the two-day shipping has saved my life. Batteries for the baby swing. Deodorant. A kiddie pool for my 3 year old. A swamp cooler. On a Monday I may realize I need something. I think I'll get out the next day to get something (Tuesday) but that doesn't happen. It might not even happen on Wednesday. And it takes a lot of courage to get dressed and look presentable, put two kids in a hot car (and my newborn screams the entire time she is in a car seat not matter what I do) and drive 30 minutes and take on the chaos of Walmart then drive 30 minutes home. Not fun. If I order what I need on Monday, I have it by Wednesday delivered right to my door. I don't even have to put pants on. Seriously - ask for a Prime membership for your baby shower. It will be worth it. 




4. Don't Cut Your Hair. Babies grab hair. They spit up in hair. New moms have less time to spend styling hair. I get why new moms cut their hair. I say don't do it. Wait until the maternity leave is over. If your hair is long enough to put in a ponytail or bun, it is easier to keep out of the baby's reach/spit up range easier than chin-length hair. New hair styles take a few weeks to learn how to style and like. You won't be styling your hair very much. You'll probably end up hating your new shorter 'do because you can't take the time to get used to it. You'll feel frumpy. And if your hair is long enough to pull back, you're not getting any benefit. 




5. Buy New Pajamas. You'll be wearing them a lot. It's a new little treat for you. Make them cozy, comfy, presentable (i.e., no excessive cleavage in case you have to answer the door in them), and appropriate to the season. 




6. Entertain Yourself During Nighttime Feedings. Nighttime feedings are hard to wake up for. It helps when you are engrossed in Firefly on Netflix and you're somewhat excited to get up at 4 a.m. to see what will happen between Malcom and Inara. Find a movie, TV show, or book to entertain you during those late, late feedings and you might actually kind of look forward to them. (Aside from Netflix, I love reading my Kindle while I feed the baby because I don't have to worry about turning pages and holding a big book open with one hand.)




7. Don't Plan Too Much. This is a variation of tips 2 and 13, but it is worth saying. Don't spread yourself too thin and allow yourself to be flexible. I planned six family visits to do in 12 weeks. Too much. We accomplished three and postponed the rest. I've also learned that I don't plan to do anything before 10 a.m. I just can't. 




8. Make a Lunch Plan. If you are a working mom like me, you are not used to being in charge of lunch. It sounds silly, but this was a big adjustment for me. During a 12 week leave, PB & J and Ramen noodles only satisfy you for maybe two weeks. Make sure to plan lunches like you do dinners. And make sure they are easy. Some of my favorites - mini pizzas made on English muffins, quesadillas (I love to put Ranch dressing, cheddar cheese, and cold-cut ham between two tortillas and fry up), and fruit smoothies. 




9. Buy Extra Socks and Underwear. A few extra pairs will buy you a day or two before you have to do laundry. Totally worth it. 




10. Take People Up on Offers of Help. People always offer to help. "Let me know if you need anything." People really want to help. But they don't always know how. Don't be afraid to let them know what you need. Do not deny them the opportunity to provide service. And don't be afraid to ask for help before you have a mental breakdown! For me, I had to ask my neighbors to help with yard work - lawn mowing and garden weeding. And of course, watching the baby while I napped or went to the dentist. 




11. Stock Your House with Easy Food. Sometimes you can plan meals, shop, and cook. Sometimes you can't. Easy, healthy options will prevent you from eating a bag of chips for breakfast and last year's Halloween candy for lunch and feeling like crap for the rest of the day. Suggestions for healthy, easy eats: fresh fruit, Swanson's frozen pot pies, frozen pizzas, canned soup, canned fruits and veggies, etc. 




12. Know Your Local Resources. Do you have a grocery store that delivers? A drive-through pharmacy? What local restaurants deliver? Does your insurance support a call-in prescription program so you don't have to go to the doctor for medicine? Is there a grocery store or gym that has free child care? Sometimes this means spending a bit more money, but when it comes to your sanity, these things can be life savers. I don't always like paying the higher prices to shop at Fred Meyer, but my 3 year old can play in their child center for an hour and I can shop so much easier. Sometimes it is so worth it. 




13. Remember What Maternity Leave Is For. These twelve weeks are to nurture and bond with your new baby. If you happen to organize the basement at the same time, great. But if not, that's okay. Spend your energy in the right place and never feel guilty about putting off a chore to rock your baby and snuggle her close. 

Motherhood - You're Doing It Wrong

 Do you know how to do motherhood?



In case you aren't sure, here are some tips.

• If you give your baby a binky, you're doing it wrong.


• If you swaddle your baby, you're doing it wrong.


• If you co-sleep, you're risking your baby's life and you're doing it wrong.


• If you don't co-sleep, you've fallen victim to ignorant doctors and you're missing out on wonderful bonding time - and you're doing motherhood wrong.


• If you bottle feed, you're doing it wrong.


• If you breastfeed past a year, you're doing it wrong.


• If you let your child watch TV, you're doing it wrong.


• If you don't have five nurturing, Montessori-based sensory type activities for your preschooler every day, you're doing it wrong.


• If you do on-demand feeding, you're doing it wrong.


• If you try to schedule your baby, you're doing it wrong.


• If you're not feeding your child organic baby food, you're doing it wrong.


• If you give your child medicine, you're doing it wrong. 


• If you use alternative pain management/healing methods, you're doing it wrong. 


• If you put your kids in time-out, you're doing it wrong.


• If you don't do time-outs, you're doing it wrong. 


• If your child isn't potty trained in a weekend, you're doing it wrong.


• If you don't wear your baby in a sling for several hours a day, you're doing it wrong.


• If you work, you're doing it wrong. 


• If you stay at home, you're probably too frazzled to be doing anything right. 

Does it ever feel that way to you? 



It sure does to me. It's usually the internet that makes me feel this way.



Let me tell you what prompted this post. On Facebook, I am member a mother's support group. I don't personally know many of the women in the group--they aren't my personally added Facebook friends. I posted something about how both of my kids haven't been automatic binky lovers. The first reply I got back was from a woman I don't know who as a speech pathologist wanted to tell me it was her professional opinion not to use binkies after six months.



After a rough day of fussy Noelle--and me wishing to heaven that she would take her binky--it just set me off. I don't even know this woman. I did not ask for information/advice about duration of binky usage. Her unsolicited advise made me feel like a bad mom for wanting Noelle to take a binky--and yes, I fully intend for her to take it beyond 6 months old. With Joci, I found most of the binky benefits came when she could actually reach for it and pop it in her own mouth.



I did a little research and found that the American Academy of Pediatrics is fine with binky use through the first year. My girls' pediatrician is fine with it until age 2. I know kids who use the binky to three and beyond. Different moms do different things. And I got to say that at 30 years old, I don't know anyone my age still addicted to their binky. People end up fine.



Still, I was irked by this woman's unsolicited advice. I was irked that it got to me. I tried to take a step back--count to ten--and be fair. Perhaps this woman has had personal experience in her profession that makes her more conservative on binky use. Things I don't know about. On the flip side, this woman surely doesn't know that I was a thumb-sucker until I was nearly thirteen and would rather have my child use a binky until five years old than go through the embarrassment, speech issues, and orthodontic issues of long-term finger/thumb sucking.



It's easy to go online and feel judged. Or at least feel like a failure. Reading blogs, articles, magazines, books, whatever...doesn't it seem like you can't do anything right? Every technique is analyzed and criticized by experts of all walks. Sheesh! What's a mom to do?



There are days when I am an awesome mom. I am happy and disciplined. I have structured, fun activities. I don't yell. Heck, I even have pants on those days. I am SUPERMOM! Those are the days I blog about. And then people think I am awesome.

Look! We went to the park and had an educational sensory activity. I am such a good parent!

And there are days when we have Eggo Waffles for all three meals and Gummi Bears for snack. Pants most definitely will not happen. A bra probably won't either. The television is on for 7 hours straight and I feel pretty good when we watch something from PBS because at least it's educational. These are the days when everyone in the house is bound to end up crying simultaneously at some point. These days I go online and see other supermom blogs and I start to wonder if Pinterest has a tutorial on how to tie a noose out of repurposed shoelaces and pipe cleaners.

Messes everywhere. Now why don't I drink again?

I want to read more stuff online that says: you didn't cry today, new mom--good for you! You fed your children and played with them--good for you! You put pants on today--good for you! Your child loves you--good for you! You loved yourself today--good for you! You're doing the hardest job in the world, day after day, without any PTO, and even if it takes Eggo Waffles, hours of PBS, and offensive amounts of Diet Coke, you are in the thick of it. You aren't walking away. You are raising your children.



So...



Good for you.

The Oxygen Bag Reality: Surviving Parenthood by Being Selfish

Have you ever listened to the emergency instructions given by the flight attendant at the beginning of a flight? Most of us probably tune her (or him) out. Unless it's your first time flying. Then you follow along with the emergency pamphlet and everything.



There's always a line that goes something like this, "
In the unlikely event of pressure loss in the cabin, oxygen masks will drop from panels in the ceiling. Place the mask over your mouth and nose like this. Oxygen is flowing even if the bag is not inflated. If you are travelling with a passenger who may need assistance, put the mask over your face before helping others." 




That is not the exact script, but my best guess at the moment. 




I got to thinking about this.




It's kind of funny that we have to be reminded on every flight to help ourselves before we help others. Why is that? Because people are stupid? Yes, people are stupid, but that's probably not why. I have a feeling that if these words said what they really, really mean, the script would instead say something like this, "In the unlikely event of pressure loss in the cabin, oxygen masks will drop from panels in the ceiling. Place the mask over your mouth and nose like this. Oxygen is flowing even if the bag is not inflated. If you are a parent flying with your child, listen up. Put your mask on first. Then you can help your kid. You are no use to them if you are unconscious from lack of air. Plus, it will take you two seconds tops to put your mask on and you know it will take at least four minutes to help your child if they are under the age of five. Unless you have millions in life insurance and a sister-in-law you think will make a better mother to your child than you or your spouse, ensuring your continued existence is actually helping your kids."




Of course when it comes to federal messages, they are never that direct are they?




Parents tend to put themselves last.




I am now the parent of two children. I find myself sacrificing twice as much. 

Beautiful picture but deceiving. Most days I don't even put on pants let alone do hair or makeup. Or eat.

I found myself thinking of the "oxygen bag reality" about two weeks ago when I was feeding and rocking baby Noelle at 10 p.m., sobbing because I hadn't eaten a bite of dinner that I had made and served my family at 6 o'clock and I was starving. Oh, and I had to go to the bathroom in a bad way too. 



What can I say? I hear that baby cry, and I put all my needs on hold so I can take care of hers. Even in the middle of the night when I have to pee so bad, I forego it. I jump out of bed, quickly mix a bottle, grab the baby swiftly - yet gently! - and start feeding and rocking her whilst tapping my toes to keep my urine in my bladder.



So is not going to the bathroom really like not giving myself oxygen in the event of a flight emergency? Is my metaphor a little out there? Possibly. But when I have to pee so bad, I am not as patient of a mother. I do not want to sing lullabies. I do not want to snuggle and take an extra few seconds for loving caresses and kisses.



And if I don't eat dinner until after 10 p.m., you bet my family suffers. I become a basket case.



So I am taking an initiative to make sure I do a quickie pee before I do a midnight feeding. I am taking an initiative to eat when I need to. To ask for help when I need it. To shower on schedule. A little self-care goes a long, long way. I am not talking pedis and facials and weekend trips to Lake Powell. That's superfluous. I am talking about the basic building blocks of life (like oxygen!) that many parents sacrifice for their child - proper nutrition, proper rest, and proper hygiene.



So from here on out, I'm putting my mask on first.

Artwork for Mom

This little girl melts my heart daily. I am so happy to be her mama. Even if she eats butter. :)

Monday after her nap, I heard Joci making a bit of noise in her room. I checked on her and found her scribbling on her walls. In the past couple weeks I have caught her coloring on her body and on her bedding with her washable Crayola markers (I ONLY buy washable markers). We've had discussions that you only color on paper and if she keeps coloring on other things, no more markers in her room.



So when I saw all the marker on the wall, my blood got a little hot. Especially when I realized she used the only markers that are not washable - they were a birthday gift to her from a family member. I was ready to trash the markers in front of her and put her in time out with a very stern talking to.



Before I could say anything, though, my little princess looked at me, her face beaming with pride, and said, "Mommy! Look what I did! My wall is so cute! I did it for you!"



All my anger dissolved instantly. How could I be mad at that? I did remind her that we only color on paper. But I did reassure her that her wall was, in fact, cute.



Today, I finally started to try to wash off the marker. Joci watched somberly. My best cleaner was still taking off paint along with the marker. Looks like we will have to repaint the entire wall.

Tonight as Justin was tucking Joci in, she was telling him all about her wall and how she colored it for me. She colored it for me because she knows I like the movie Tangled and she wanted to paint the wall like Tangled for me. 

Oh. My. Goodness. How sweet is that?

Justin said that maybe when we redo the wall, we can paint it like Tangled. Joci said she can't. She can only color on paper. 

Have I broken her spirit? 

Justin reassured her that if Mom and Dad are there, she can paint on the walls. 

Sweetest thing ever. I am not sure I can paint over that marker now. :) I'll have to think of a way to create some kind of whimsical "Tangled wall" for Joci that she can help us create. 

Dancing In the Rain

Sometimes, you go out for a brief stroll in the rain for a little refreshment and you just can't resist jumping in a giant puddle.



For the record, I jumped in the water before Joci.

We were soaked from the waist down. But I wouldn't trade these memories for the extra load of laundry ti cost me. Being a mom is so much fun!

Loving Joci More

So many wives (myself included) say how much more they fall in love with their husbands when they see him interact with their first child for the first time. It's true. I kind of expected to experience that and I did. I knew my Justin was a wonderful husband but seeing what a tender, wonderful father he was made me love him more.



What I didn't expect was for the same thing to happen with my Joci.



Being a big sister has shown me a tender, endearing side to my little Joci that I hadn't seen before. And it has made me love her even more, which I didn't think was possible.

Just one example...



I had just fed Noelle and got her back to sleep at 7:00 a.m. yesterday morning. I had had a long night of seemingly constant feedings. I was excited to slip back into bed for a couple of hours. To my surprise, Joci got up. She usually isn't up until 8:30. Grumble, grumble. I was desperate for a little more sleep so I told Joci that I had to go take a nap. She could either watch a movie in the living room or go play with toys in her room. She chose the movie. I put Noelle in the bassinet by my bed and settled in to go to sleep, knowing Justin would be up soon and one of the four grandparents in my home would probably be up soon as well.



Twenty minutes later when Justin got up, he woke me up (and I was *not* happy to be awoken after 20 minutes!) and told me to look out into the living room. Joci was out there with the bassinet. She had tiptoed into our room and wheeled it out. She was very gently petting her baby sister. I can't believe neither one of us heard Joci come into our room, let alone wheel out the bassinet! After pushing aside the thoughts of tipped bassinets and smothered babies and after chuckling about the silliness of it all, my heart melted at how tender of a moment it was between big sis and little sis. (We've since had a discussion about moving the bassinet and other things the baby may be in.)



Joci adores her baby. She is so good with Noelle and wants nothing more than to help with the baby in any way. Sisters have such a special bond. I am so excited for these two.